What Hurts The Most
by MidoriPanda
Summary: ShuuKira Because today I turn one year older and I deserve some fluff , after the captains' betrayal. I suck at summaries... It's no songfic, tought it is inspired by Rascal Flatt's song.


**What Hurts the Most

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**A Bleach Fanfiction by xox-Midori-Chan-xox**

**Warning: Yaoi, don't like, don't read.**

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The sun was shining and the birds were chirping happily on an awfully hot spring day… it surely didn't suit at all the mood that had fallen over the whole Seireitei. It had been weeks since Aizen, Ichimaru and Tousen ran away, but it seemed it had not even passed a day. Still, afterlife was still going, and it could not be stopped. New members on the divisions, frequent Hollow attacks on the living world, three squads with no captains, several of the remaining badly hurt, so there was lots of work and paperwork to fill for the vice-captains and officers. Yet that day, finally a Sunday of rest after weeks and weeks of hard work all over.

Hisagi Shuuhei was a man who took no shit from others, surely he was one of the strongest Shinigami on the whole Soul Society, aiming to become a captain some day, already seated as the 9th squad vice-captain… but after his own captain had betrayed them all, his pride seemed to have disappeared along with Tousen. Not only that, but he noticed how much their former captain did for their division. He rose on his feet, after such a long time of just doing paperwork, he was sure he wanted to go out there and drink until he puked all his sorrow away, as disgusting as it sounded. He placed Kazeshini on the desk of his bedroom, who, after three whole weeks of being filled with papers, it was finally clean. He had no time to train, he had no time to relax, to talk, to even breathe.

He walked out of the squad's quarters, looking for somebody to join him in his attempt to forget everything that happened.

Renji was in the living world in a mission, since it seemed his wounds were the faster to be treated.

Rangiku was in a horrible mood lately, not only she had been drinking a lot more often, but the betrayal probably hit her worse than any of the three lieutenants, but Ichimaru betrayed her as a lover, as a man, just trashing her feelings away and fleeing after that. Shuuhei sighed. No matter how much the orange haired woman was his friend and how much he liked her, and how sexy and effin hot she was, there was no use. Her heart belonged only to Ichimaru, and just him, nobody else.

Iba was probably still drowning under paperwork, since he had spent most of his time watching over his wounded wolf-like captain (so neither Komamura was an option, since he was still being under treatment), and Hinamori was still at the hospital.

Surely he was not going with Ikkaku and Yumichika, not with the idea of those two of relaxing and mourning somebody's loss, which was, probably, fighting until one fell on his knees bleeding to death and had to be carried right away to the 4th division. Then he remembered they were also on the hospital recovering from some wounds and were being sent to the human world the same day after some hours, along with Matsumoto and Hitsugaya, to catch up with Renji, Rukia and the orange headed Shinigami.

Of course the first person on his mind was Izuru, but what the hell, the man hadn't even appeared on his own quarters after the first day of mourning. He had looked after him, but he seemed to have finished his reports and paperwork, all the same day, and then he disappeared.

Now that he had some time, he drove himself to the third division's quarters, and found the third seat resting under a three, watching the clouds drift away.

"Uhmm… Kyousuke sanseki, right?"he asked as he reached the younger Shinigami, who stood up and bowed.

"Hisagi-fukutaichou!" He saluted.

"Do you know where Izuru is?"

"Uhmm… in fact, I don't… he disappeared weeks ago, he left all his work done, and we have barely done nothing, he actually finished it all in two nights."

"I see… didn't he said where he was going or didn't you saw him?"

"I think he went to the Academy, on the Rukongai."

"To the… oh, I think I know where he is." He bowed to the third seat, and smiled. "I'll bring him back, don't matter."

With that, the Shinigami walked to the gates of the Seireitei, after picking up his katana in case something unexpected appeared. He walked to the academy, and then to the forest that were nearby the little houses and the school. He passed through many bushes and tall trees, until he found what he was looking for. The shrine where Izuru's parents were buried. There was a small camellia and a yellow flower over it, as well as a forgotten bottle of sake.

Shuuhei bowed at the shrine, picking the bottle and hiding it on his hakama. He looked at the flower, smiling. He almost knew what Izuru would have told them when he was there. _I've done well, through lately I've been through a lot. Sorry I hadn't come to visit before, but I forgot to mention I was promoted to vice-captain of my squad the last time I came here. Sure it has been a lot. Yet I cannot say I'm proud of it. My captain betrayed us, and I still protected him. I rose my weapon against Hinamori-kun. I rose my weapon against Rangiku-san… I beg for your forgiveness, Okasan, Otousan. I do not deserve all the respect I've won so far… I'm sorry'_

Shuuhei stood in there, staring at both flowers. He clasped his hands together, as he bowed again.

"I know we never met, but I must be thankful to both of you, for bringing such a good friend and person to this world. If you could, please forgive Izuru for all the bad he's done. He was fooled, he was betrayed, somebody played with his heart, and I think I know how he feels… so, if you please, do not blame him for all he has done."

Shuuhei walked away from the shrine after bowing once more and started to search for Izuru.

Back in the time Izuru was a freshman and Hisagi a last year student, they usually got together, just to talk about stuff. Admitting it or not, since the academy days, Shuuhei had classified Izuru into one of the cutest living things that could have ever be created. He had seen him grow, not only physically, but as a person. Somehow, he thought the changes the young blonde had suffered were not all for good. He was much more skinny, and much more paler than ever, especially since he became a lieutenant. And somehow, his jumpy and cheerful persona had disappeared, leaving a constantly depressed and self conscious boy. Most important, Kira had lost his smile. It was so rare to see the blonde smile, every time he did, it sent shivers down Shuuhei's spine, not in a frightening or creepy way, but in some way the brunette was even more interested in Izuru. Hisagi sighed, rubbing his temples as he walked. He reached the place he was looking for. It was a small cottage that had been used for supplies of the academy back when he studied there, but after he graduated, all the content of the cottage was removed and placed in somewhere else. One day, while resting from an exhausting day at work, just like this but less sunny and much more gloomy than ever, rain had started to pour like crazy, and he was all by himself, really far away from the Gotei 13 quarters. He had hid himself from the rain under the roof of the cottage, and then it came to be Renji and Izuru were sparring with their Zanpakuto nearby. Asides from the day when he got his three large scars across his face, that was the real day the three of them talked for real, until the storm ceased. Since that day, to his own amusement, the three of them had become really good friends.

The raven-haired man opened the door of the cottage, to find what he was looking, in a way he hadn't wanted to find him, but was completely sure he was going to be.

Izuru was lying on the floor, face to the ground. He had a bottle of sake which looked like it had just some drops of its content inside. Around him were at least 30 bottles, of which seemed to have been abandoned there for days. Shuuhei walked inside, making Izuru to stand up. He seemed to be asleep, but the moment the light bathed the place, he awoke abruptly.

"You're wasted, Kira."

"Usagi-san? Is that you?" He said. His voice was dry and rough.

"Usagi, no. Shuuhei here." He laughed. It was usually a bad pun whenever Kira or even Matsumoto had called him Usagi instead of Hisagi while any of them were drunk, it had been common to call him Mr. Bunny after some time, but it had been so long ago he had almost forgotten.

"So it's you, anyway."

"It hit you really hard."

Izuru sat in front of him and looked down to the floor. He had the top of his hakama loosened, and his hair was a complete mess, but it didn't seem he cared.

"Are you drunk?" He asked.

Izuru shook his head. "I was. Last night."

"It seems you have been drunk for the past three weeks, Kira."

"Yeah… I'm sorry. How's work? And what are you doing here?"

"Seems you managed to do all your paperwork in just two nights, so your squad has been the one who is the less busy, but all the others have been in chaos."

"So?"

"Ah, today we finally got some rest."

"Which day is it?"

"Sunday, Izuru."

"Three weeks, you said?"

"Yes, three weeks."

"You also want to get so wasted you can forget everything, right?"

"It seems it doesn't works with you, who is a compulsive drunker once started. Now I see you, it won't work on me."

"Maybe if we stay another week… away from everything… we might…"

"No, Izuru, it's not gonna work."

"Please, Hisagi-san, don't call me Izuru. Or at least don't do it like that…"

"Hm? Brings you back some bittersweet memories, right?"

"More bitter than sweet, actually."

Shuuhei blinked. Another thing Ichimaru had stolen from Kira: the glow on his eyes. He frowned, he really, really wanted to kill the fox face right in that moment.

"Fine… well… I'd tell you to drink more, but it'd only kill you. Come on, I'm taking you back to your squad.

"Shuuhei… let's stay here for a while…" He said, making him sit in front of him again. "I thought having this all by myself would do, but… I think of all people you're the one who's closer to understand how I feel."

"Fine… but no sake, or your liver is going to explode and we're going to have to take you to those awful massages, remember?"

"Oh, don't even talk about it! I felt I was going to die again!" Kira smiled, and as thought, Hisagi shivered a little. Even if he liked the idea or not, his smile was so warm and cute whenever it appeared on his face, it almost made him sigh. "Well, as long as you come with me to hold me if I try to kill the nurses or to carry me back home if I faint of pain, I think I might handle it."

Hisagi gulped, trying not to look at his smile. _Shuuhei, get a hold of yourself and __stop__ thinking __that__ way about __Kira__! _He thought, as he suddenly watched the glow return, but it disappeared as it came.

"Anyway, it's not what I was going to talk about… I mean… I knew all the time what he was planning." Izuru covered his face, and then made the long bang of hair to go back, revealing both of his eyes and forehead. "… and I wasn't able to stop him. I feel so weak, Shuuhei."

"You're not weak, I think you're pretty badass yourself… I've seen you practice with your sword, it's impossible for someone who has the guts to rip heads like you do to be weak, Kira."

"It's not like that, Shuuhei. I helped a traitor! I had no self confidence and trusted him! I rose my sword against, not one, but two of my friends. I'm sure if he had told me to, I'd have killed them!"

"You wouldn't. your heart is just way too kind to kill a friend."

"Believe me, I would. By the same matter my heart is too kind, it becomes naïve. And it can be manipulated to do whatever he wanted me to. I believe… I'd have even have to fight you if he had ordered me too. Not only he was not caring about my feelings, but he'd have risked me to die in given case he made me fight you, or… who knows? Somebody stronger, a captain, or…"

"Believe me, even if he's a bastard, he had it all completely planned. Of all people he would put you to fight that could have easily defeat you because they know your movements, it might have been me, or himself. The matter here, is one of his partners in crime was my captain, so there was no way they'd made us both fight."

"Well, whatever, what are you complaining about, Shuuhei? Tousen didn't use you, he didn't…"

"First of all, because the relationship I had with him was friendship, rather than the almost master-servant one you had with Ichimaru. I knew all the time you'd do whatever for Ichimaru, that's why I tried to stop you when you said you were moving from the fourth to the third squad. I always knew he was no good for you… and I was right." Shuuhei extended his hand and caressed the blonde's cheek, making him shiver and blush, but he said nothing. He removed some rebel hairs that had fallen out of their place on Izuru's face, and smiled, but the other did not.

"Still, you didn't have any right to tell me that. You were at least unharmed. Your captain did nothing to do, just look what mine forced me to do! Still I knew it the whole time, I knew what he was planning to do, and…"

"For sure it's better to be left without a word, right, Izuru?" Shuuhei said coldly, frowning at him. He glanced away and sighed, trying not to get desperate about it. Izuru opened his eyes in surprise and gulped.

"What are you talking about?"

"You knew what was he doing. Hinamori was, basically, also told about it, it's just she was a little too airheaded to notice. I knew nothing. Absolutely nothing. You think it's better just to be left without even saying goodbye? I know Ichimaru used you. I know Aizen used Hinamori. But he just made me aside. He just shoved me off and kicked me like trash. He said nothing. All the respect, all the admiration I had for that man, it all seemed to vanish, but they remain here. I can't believe he's gone, not yet. I still wake up in the morning hoping to find myself lying on the couch of the office, while he did everything I had delayed. I still wake up after every time I get drunk until I faint hoping to find him taking care of me. I still want to hear him, to learn from him. But he vanished without saying nothing. Sure it's better to be betrayed by a friend than by a master, Izuru…"

"Shuuhei, for how long you've had all of that up on you? You never said a thing…?"

"Way too much." Shuuhei sighed and hid his face behind a hand. "Tell me, Izuru… what would you do if suddenly I went with them, not telling anything to you or nobody else. Not only I'd be betraying you all, but I'd be hurting you as a friend…"

Kira lowered his head, and grabbed one of his senpai's hands. To his surprise, the brunette was shaking, he didn't know if it was of rage or of sorrow.

"You've also planned to follow, right?"

Hisagi nodded, locking his fingers with Kira's. it quite felt weird to be hand in hand with another man, but it didn't really bother him.

"You know… Kira… I was really intending to leave. How would I ever reach there, I don't know now. But, then again, I'm still here."

"You're… you're leaving?"

Shuuhei shook his head.

"No. Of all things, I'd have never left this place without telling you at least."

Izuru smiled, but then he changed that look for a saddened one mixed with worry.

"You've told me… you're leaving…"

"No. I could not betray you now that you know…"

"But… what about Tousen…? You really want to go back with him that much… what do you stop because of me, Shuuhei?"

"You're trying to tell me I should go?"

"NO! N-no, Shuuhei, no… what I meant was… why would you stop chasing after the person you treasure the most?"

"I don't have to chase that person. He's not away from me."

"But… your captain…"

"No, Izuru. I do treasure him, and all I learned for him is something I'm never going to forget. But what I treasure the most… I have it in my hands right now."

Izuru opened his eyes wide, as he felt how his body heat increased. He felt the blush on his cheeks increasing, but he could do nothing about it.

"Senpai?"

"I'm sorry…" Hisagi said letting go of his hand. "Sorry, Izuru, the words just popped out of my mouth. Yet it doesn't mean they're not true."

"You can't be serious… stopping yourself… just because of me?"

"Look… you know I never liked Ichimaru much. One of the reasons of why I tried to stop you. Another one, and I dare to say, it's because I liked much that warmth and glow you had. I don't know, maybe it was the first impression I ever got of you with your shiny hair and your oceanic blue eyes, I don't really know… I just knew you did have _something_. As I watched you grow and all, you never lost it. Until he put his hands on you. After that, your eyes never glowed again. You even look paler, and you're much more skinnier than you were when we met. Even your hair changed… I liked it better when it was short…" Shuuhei grabbed the large lock of hair that covered half of Izuru's face, and placed it behind his ear. "…back in that time at least I was able to see your face, not half of it."

"Senpai… "

"I'm really sorry to be telling you all of this, Izuru. I just hate Ichimaru that much. He stole all I ever wanted you to have, that's something I'll never forgive."

"I… Shuuhei, I think you're right…" Kira said, taking the man's hand again and caressing it a little with his thumb, but never removing Shuuhei's hand from his face.

The brunette cupped his face with both hands now and made him lean closer, making another blush to spread against Izuru's cheeks.

"Would you let me bring them back, Izuru?" He whispered, making the blonde shiver. He had never let go of his hand, in fact, he was almost clinging to it, unable to let go. Izuru screwed his eyes shut and gave a small nod, to tell Hisagi he wanted what he was intending to do as much as the other did.

Shuuhei doubted a little, especially when he felt Kira's warmth breath colliding with his, but then he captured his lips on his own, feeling his body heat and Izuru's too rising.

The younger one had let go of the other's hand already and twisted them around Shuuhei's neck, while the other had knelt to take the lead over him. The blonde didn't complained at all, but he was feeling quite weird. Sure he had been kissed before, but it had always been by girls, never with a man, less with Shuuhei. The brunette's hands had grabbed Izuru's sides and were caressing him slowly and tenderly, until he reached this hips and surrounded him wholly to keep him closer.

Izuru moaned Shuuhei's name, which made the brunette to go faster, but it seemed Kira didn't planned so, since he had started to push on him to break the kiss.

"N-no, Shuuhei… stop…" He muttered, as Shuuhei tried to kiss him again, but he managed to keep him apart.

"What's wrong?" He asked, concern filling his voice.

"Shuuhei, this is weird…"

"Weird, you say?"

"Yes, I mean… we're both men! Shuuhei, this is wrong!"

Shuuhei smiled as he set the stupid lock of hair apart again.

"But you didn't complain before, right? You liked it."

Kira blushed and smiled, looking away from Hisagi's eyes.

"Senpai… you're way too good."

"In what? Kissing?"

"Not only that… I feel better."

"Yeah… your glow is coming back. Thank god…" he muttered, and grabbed Kira's chin, to kiss him again.

"N-no… wait, what if somebody comes in and…?"

"Izuru, nobody ever comes here… and it doesn't matter, am I wrong? I really, really love you, Izuru."

He placed a sweet and small kiss on his cheek and Izuru blushed even more. Then, to even Shuuhei's surprise, he was the one to cup his face and kiss him, taking the lead. Yet again, he was not completely amazed. Kira was able to kick ass anytime he wanted, why not take the lead once in a while?

Hisagi smiled at the sudden demonstration of affection as he trailed his hands from his stomach until he reached Kira's chest, resting one hand in there and the other on the back of Izuru's head. The blonde was actually good at what he was doing, he had both of his hands caressing everywhere they reached, trying to contain himself and avoiding to go a bit too far when he had just realized what he felt for the older man. Kira had pinned him to the wall, and had started to trail kisses on his neck, to which Hisagi grabbed the back of Kira's head and pulled him away.

"I think… we're getting a bit too far, Izuru…"

"Shut up, Shuuhei…" He panted, kissing his neck again as he caressed his abdomen, making Hisagi arch his back, moaning.

On that precise moment, the door flung open. Rangiku was there, along with an empty bottle of sake and a confused look on her face. Kira stopped as he let go of Hisagi's body, but the other didn't. Not like Kira cared, but… Matsumoto was _there_. Watching _them_. _Making out_.

She muttered inaudible words, trying to break form the shock. "MY GOD, YACHIRU WON THE BET! KIRA WAS ACTUALLY "ON TOP"!!! " She suddenly snapped and closed the door as soon as she appeared.

"She said _bet_, right?" Kira said, trying not to sound as shocked as the woman.

"Yup." Hisagi nodded, caressing Izuru's neck softly.

"Against _Yachiru_, right?"

"Yup."

"And Yachiru _won_?!"

Hisagi glanced at him and chuckled, as the blonde did.

"So…?"

"What?"

"How did they found us?"

"There might be two options." Shuuhei said, smiling against Izuru's golden hair.

"Which?"

"One, some of us let our reiatsu flow accidentally and we were tracked. Or two, Rangiku-san followed the bottles you had left all the way here, just the same way I found you."

Kira laughed and hugged the taller man, making him to smile wider.

Shuuhei surrounded his body and kissed his forehead tenderly, never wanting to let go and had to go back to work. After all, that was his job, to caught Izuru whenever the boy fell down, to make him stand on his feet. To make him smile, to make him shine like he used to do, to make him be the Kira Izuru Shuuhei first met… and he was damn good at such work.

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_**A/N:** Well... a long one shot because today is my B-day and I needed to upload something on my honor xD and what is better than a kind-of-angsty ShuuKira? I shall tell you, Grell and Sebastian for Kuroshitsuji... if you tought these two were really close, you hadn't seen Grell flirting xD Oh, my, I love Yaoi. Seriously, watch KKuroshitsuji, is great :D_


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